


I Have No Fear of Drowning, It's the Breathing That's Taking All This Work

by ObsidionWingsofMidnight



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014), Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, Pacific Rim AU, Yeah you read that right, all the homo, also some explain to me why the ever loving fuck i am starting yet another story, but they're a fictional race so whatever, callaghan's not evil for once, he can also shapeshift, he finally gets to be the firebreathing lizard he always dreamed of, hopefully, i absolutely do not know what to name this, i actually gave it a real title go me, i have not finished any of the other ones i've started, it's a weird feeling, jaeger pilots hiro and tadashi, kaiju fred, lmao yugioh abridged anyone???, no homo?, no promises, not even close, please, so don't get your hopes up on seeing them a lot, so i will change the title later, someone slap me, taking a lot of liberties with the kaiju race, the rest of the jaeger pilots are from other random things i like, they are not important to the plot tho, well sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2018-07-12 23:23:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7128083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidionWingsofMidnight/pseuds/ObsidionWingsofMidnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yet another Pacific Rim AU, with the Hamadas and a giant fire breathing lizard named Fred. Yeah. Somehow this is happening. </p><p>AKA: someone tell me to get my life in order</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Odokuro

Tadashi Hamada woke to the sound of alarms blaring. He peeled open his eyes to glare unhappily at the ceiling.

"God, what time is it?" Hiro groaned from the bunk next to him.

Tadashi sighed, rolling out of his bed and somewhat ungracefully onto the floor. He did manage to land on his feet though, so at least there was that. He turned his head to look at the screen flashing on the wall. Kaiju incoming. Of course there was, that's why the alarms were going off.

"It's 3:17. Come on, get up- we've got work to do," Tadashi said, shaking his brother lightly by the shoulder.

"Aaaaauuuuuggghhh. Are you kidding me? We just got in from testing those new suits like three hours ago. Can't they get someone else to do it?" he whined. Nonetheless, he did crawl out of bed and start getting dressed.

"You knew what you were signing up for when you joined the Jaeger program. It's not like the kaiju are gonna come for us when it's convenient. No rest for the wicked and all that," Tadashi replied, smacking him on the shoulder.

"God, I wish. Alright, I'm ready," Hiro said. He grinned widely at his brother, "Let's go kick some serious Kaiju ass."

* * *

"Hey, what's this kaiju's name again?" Hiro asked later once they were suited up and headed to the drop off point. Outside the Jaeger it was dumping rain, thunder and lightning appearing here and there.

"Odokuro. Why are you asking when you're inside my head?"

"Wow dude, ever heard of manners? I was trying to be polite, but I guess I won't anymore," Hiro snarked, smirking at him behind his visor.

"But seriously, why's it named that? Odokuro...that sounds familiar."

Wasabi's voice crackled over the comms," Gogo named it. It's a creature from Japanese mythology- a giant skeleton that was created from the collective bones of those who died of starvation."

"...well, that's...grim."

"You'll understand once you see it," Wasabi said. "You're approaching the drop off point, so you won't have to wait long. And remember- this is the first category IV we've ever seen, so be prepared for anything. Kronos Albion and Alrhitta Divine are on standby back at the base if you need assistance."

"Eh, we'll be fine. Amaterasu Bold hasn't failed a mission once, and we're not about to start now," Hiro chirped.

Tadashi rolled his eyes but smiled. Hiro was still young enough to keep his cocky optimism, even after battling kaiju.

"Hey! I'm 16, not 12, so quit picturing me like that," Hiro squawked. Tadashi hadn't been, but after that he sent images of a younger Hiro across their neural link.

"Whatever you say, Hiro."

"Stop it!"

"Okay, Amaterasu, get ready for landing," Marshal Callaghan cut through their bickering. The brothers immediately stopped to focus on the mission at hand. It was easy to joke about, but fighting kaiju was no laughing matter.

The copters detached their hold on the Jaeger and the two braced for impact. There was a great spray of water as they landed, crouched slightly to keep their balance. Tadashi straightened slowly, limbs catching a bit in the suit as it relayed the movements to the Jaeger.

Hiro peered through the helm, trying to get a visual on their target while Tadashi watched the scanners.

"Boy, it's really pouring out there. We can barely see anything. You getting anything on the scanners yet?" Hiro asked, more out of habit than necessity. After all, he could see everything Tadashi could when they were hooked up like this.

"No...I think the weather is messing with the tech. Command, you getting a better read?" Tadashi asked, glancing warily outside.

"Negative, Amaterasu. That storm must be causing a disturbance with the scanners. I think- wait! 3 o'clock!"

The Hamadas turned just in time to see the kaiju emerge from beneath the waves. As Wasabi had pointed out, it was aptly named.

As a category IV, Tadashi estimated it rose to nearly 300 feet. Its body was covered in large ridges that resembled bones, especially at its spine. It had a face that was long and thin, with four slits along the sides for its luminescent green eyes.

Tadashi sucked in a nervous breath at the sight. He and Hiro slid their right leg back and prepared to activate their weapons. They didn't even have time to raise their arms before the kaiju sprang at them.

For being so large it was unnervingly fast. Amaterasu nearly toppled over at the first blow, but thankfully the pilots were able to keep their balance.

"Shit!" Hiro yelled, attempting to swallow down his panic. They had done this before; they could handle this.

They brought up their right arm and punched the kaiju as it opened its maw, revealing rows of razor sharp teeth. It backed off a bit, but not before swiping a clawed paw at their conn-pod. The contact made their ears ring and their brains rattle in their skulls, but they ignored it. The two shared a look before returning their gaze to the monster in front of them.

"Activating sword!" Tadashi called out, left arm rising and straightening to allow the weapon to unfold from within.

Across from them Odokuro blinked slowly, shrinking back. It looked like it was sizing them up, which was weird since most kaiju just attacked without stopping. This one was different. It was being careful.

Arms raised together, the Hamadas charged toward the beast.

What happened next shocked everyone watching.

Odokuro breathed _fire_. Right at the conn-pod. It actually fucking _aimed_.

"Fuck!"

"Amaterasu, get out of there! Fall back! FALL BACK!" Wasabi screamed through the comms.

Hiro and Tadashi scrambled backwards, swinging their sword in hopes that it would keep the kaiju from getting any closer.

"Holy fuck! It melted Amaterasu! Do you see that?!" Hiro shouted, gesturing wildly at the area in front of them. The glass was still there, but it was blurrier, having melted partway in waves that traveled from the center outwards. One more shot like that and they would be done for. Even the metal surrounding it glowed orange from the heat.

"Kronos Albion and Alrhitta Divine are on their way, but keep out of that thing's reach! The conn-pod can't sustain much more damage, so just try and distract it for now. If it's focused on you, it's not focused on getting to shore."

"Roger that, we'll do our best, but no promises on if we'll succeed," Tadashi replied. He fought hard against his growing fear, but it was getting pretty damn hard. His heart felt like it was going a million miles a second, and he could feel the sweat rolling down the back of his neck.

"Command, this thing is smart. I swear it actually aimed at us. I know this sounds crazy, but I think it knows we're in here," said Hiro, exchanging a worried glance with Tadashi.

Outside the Jaeger Odokuro crept closer but kept out of their reach. The air was so thick with tension it felt like syrup in Tadashi's lungs.

"Stay calm boys, help is on the way," Marshal Callaghan's voice broke through the silence.

 _Deep breaths_ , they thought. _In....and out....in....out....in....out...._

Odokuro raised itself onto its hind legs and roared, flames spewing from its mouth.

 _Shit_.

Tadashi acted without thinking. There was one thing he'd always been certain of, and it was that he'd protect Hiro with his life. It was the reason he'd quit working as a Jaeger technician and switched to piloting. It was the reason he'd take on older kids when they got bullied as children. It was the reason he did the least self preserving thing he could think of. It wasn't a hard decision to make.

He stepped his left foot forward and turned the Jaeger so his side of the machine would take on the hit. It was just enough of a change in position that Odokuro's aim was thrown off.

Hiro, frozen in horror, was too shocked to stop him.

One second the glass shone red hot before it melted away and then the world exploded in flames.

Tadashi screamed.

There was white hot pain, and then there was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The odokuro sound wicked, mythology is hardcore. Also they're more commonly known as gashadokuro I think(?) but that seemed a bit mouthy, so I took the shorter version.  
> Also, yes, that is Fred. We'll get to know more about him in the next chapter I think.  
> WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING ANOTHER ONE OF THESE??????? Honestly I don't know. It's a mystery. At least this one has a loosely structured plot for me to work off of.  
> This chapter's really short, so sorry about that. I don't actually know if they'll get any longer.


	2. 847

Experiment 847 was weary. He'd been sent through the portal to exterminate the vermin on World 239. His makers insisted that he was sent across sooner than he usually was- they seemed impatient. They wanted the world conquered; they were sick of waiting.

847 was tired. He was so tired of the endless killing. But it was the only time they let him leave his cage.  He feared that if he disobeyed them, they would never let him out of his cage again. So he went, and he did what they said. But he was so tired.

There was always something about each world he went to that caught his eye. On World 117 it was the beautiful plants with wispy red petals that tickled his feet as he waded through them. When he returned to the home world his makers were disgusted that he hadn't realized they were eating his scales away. On World 198 the sky was always green. When the sun reached its zenith the sky was so pale he almost couldn't tell it was green and not white. When the sun ducked below the horizon the sky looked like an emerald abyss with stars like little shards of broken crystal.

The first thing he saw on World 239 was the dark expanse of the ocean. It stretched on farther than he could see, water in every direction. It was interesting down there. Tiny organisms flittered away from him as soon as they sensed him. Blind little things with warped bodies. There were bigger things too. Some that rivaled him in size. He passed a creature with a long head and bulbous eyes as he swam toward his destination, its long legs propelling it through the water. Its skin looked soft and smooth- not a match for his tough scales and sharp claws. Not a threat.

The threat was above the surface. Much farther away, and near the shore. His opponents were much smaller than the creature he'd passed, although they fought in larger skins.

He didn't know much about the creatures he was fighting beyond that. He'd watched his brothers and sisters fight them through the hive mind. He'd seen the first wave travel through the portal and decimate their lands.

But then things changed. The tiny creatures started fighting back. At first they'd thought they had missed the new species that came to fight them in the second wave. They thought these new creatures with hard armored skin and strange weapons had simply been hiding during the first wave. They watched battle after battle as these new creatures killed them.

He was one of the first to realize that these new armored creatures weren't actually new enemies after all. He saw his sister rip apart the armor on one, saw the small body that disconnected with half the wreckage. And through the remaining skeleton he saw another little body raise their arm and make a striking motion. He saw the giant armored hand match the movement, and he realized what was happening. He realized the little creatures they first set out to destroy hadn't cowered and waited for the inevitable. They had been watching too, and they had prepared for the return of his kind.

His lower leveled siblings were sent through the portal, and they weren't smart enough to understand this. But he did understand. It would be easier for him to fight them.

His makers had created him smarter than most of his siblings. Stronger too. He could spout flames from his mouth and change his form. It made him good for fighting. But they had made a mistake when they made him. They made him a little too smart for his own good- smart enough for him to question what they were doing. They trained him out of expressing it, but they knew it was still there lurking in the corners of his mind. They didn't make any more like him.

That was the flaw in his design that they knew about. What they didn't know was that he could disconnect himself from the hive mind. He was careful to only do so when his eyes were closed. He feigned sleep when he did. They didn't know the empty gap where his mind should be wasn't because his brain had shut down. He was waiting for an opportunity to take advantage of it.

He didn't know the opportunity would come on World 239.

He prowled the waters until he saw the armored creature appear.

It dropped down nearby, most of its body above the surface of the tossing waves. He swam slowly towards it to get a better look. If he looked closely at its strange reflective face he could make out two much smaller forms. If he took them out their hard shell would be nothing but an empty husk.

He rose out of the water and sprang at them.

They struggled with each other for a bit, but it became clear that their armor was not made to withstand his fire.

He felt the bloodlust of his siblings flood through his veins and opened his mouth to end the battle. And right as he did he saw one of the creatures inside the shell more clearly than he'd ever seen them before.

For the briefest of moments they locked eyes. Then the creature swung his gaze over to the body beside it. And in that split second he saw the creature make a decision. They could let both of the small creatures get hit by the blast, or they could take it on themselves. They chose the latter.

The flames burst through the shell and enveloped the creature, just barely missing the second one.

Through the wind and the rain he heard the screams. They cut through the storm, ringing in his ears.

He heard the remaining creature cry out; trying to communicate to the other one, but it was no use. The first creature didn't respond.

He felt...guilty. He'd felt guilty before when he went to other worlds, but those worlds gave up so fast that the guilt was short lived. Or perhaps he simply convinced himself that the guilt was gone, when in reality it had never left.

He didn't want to fight anymore. He was so tired.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice the remaining creature charge him in their armored skin. He didn't react fast enough when he snapped back to reality and saw the fierce determination in the small creature's eyes. They had something connected to their arm that was sharp enough to cut through his skin, tearing its way down his shoulder and chest.

He roared in pain and swatted the creature away, stumbling back below the surface.

He let the waters surround him again and wished the pain would go away. He wished he could stop the cries of his brothers and sisters as they screamed for blood-

And then he remembered that he could.

He was injured badly, so maybe if he cut off the neural link they would assume he was dead. He might die soon anyway, so why not live his last moments in the privacy of his own mind?

He cut off the link.

And then he swam as fast and as far away from the armored giant as he could.

Once he was far enough he realized he would be less noticeable if he were smaller. Most things of this world were not nearly as large as him.

He transformed into a creature he'd passed before- something sleek and fast, with rows of sharp teeth like his own that kept other creatures from getting too close.

He was still bleeding, but by now he realized the wound was shallow enough that it might not be life threatening.

He traveled along in his new form until the water started to clear up, and he could see the sand shifting below him. He raised his head above the surface only to realize he couldn't breathe. He sank fretfully back below the surface, looking around for something else to change into that could breathe above water.

He sulked until eventually he saw something pass far above him in the sky. Once more he breached the surface, but this time before breathing in he shifted into a new form. He bobbed along the surface and took grateful breaths. The water was fine, but he preferred air.

His new form had wings, so he gathered his strength and lifted himself from the water.

His flying was shaky, but it was passable. He didn't have the energy to keep it up for long though.

Fortunately for him, he wasn't too far from the shore.

He flew until he reached the dry ground, settling there in exhaustion. He would have been fine just waiting there until he either healed or died, but fate had other plans.

He had nearly fallen asleep when he heard approaching footsteps. He looked around, meeting the concerned gaze of someone else.

It was one of the two legged creatures that cared and fought so hard.

It bent down and made clucking noises at him, speaking to him in a language he didn't understand. Before he knew it the creature had picked him up and carried him back into its home.

It cleaned and bandaged his wound gently, shushing him every once in a while to calm him down. He was unused to someone caring for him.

It was weird....but it was nice too.

It wrapped him in something warm and soft, leaving him lying somewhere he could see the outside world, but still protected from it. He slept feeling more relaxed than he'd ever been before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol so I realize 847 kaiju experiments might seem like an awful lot, but I like to imagine that the precursors had a lot of failed experiments for the first hundred or two attempts because alien overlord or not nobody's THAT good. And for obvious reasons I couldn't just call him Fred.  
> And tbh I have no idea how many different worlds the precursors colonized I'm just throwin shit out there. And I don't know how many times I had to write the word creature, but it was about 10x too many
> 
> And I finally changed the fucking title cuz it was too hard to keep track of it in my head lol. Most of the stories I store in my head are all name along the lines of "I don't fucking know what to call this" or "whatever the fuck this is" so things were getting complicated. So the new title comes from my favorite Jars of Clay song.


	3. 847 Continued

Experiment 847 spent his days resting at the two-legs residence. Humans, they called themselves. He'd learned a good deal of their language just by observing them there, huddled in nest of blankets. He only meant to stay until his injury healed enough for him to leave, but when the time came he decided it couldn't hurt to stay a few more days. But then days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months.

The air was getting colder, the sun set earlier, and the world turned golden red.

It was beautiful.

He'd never had so much time to simply watch a world change seasons before. Sometimes he flew outside and observed the world from above. He liked watching the warm new hues of the trees overtake the verdant green they'd been previously. It was like watching a slow spreading fire. Except this fire wouldn't hurt anybody.

He had checked that morning to see if the last stubborn patch of green had disappeared, but it still hung on. Perhaps in a few days he'd be able to see hints of yellow in its leaves.

He flew back to the human's house, swooping in through the window the human always left open for him.

Every time he left he considered leaving for good, yet every time he returned. There was something in the human's expression when he caught sight of 847 that made him want to stay. Besides, there was no reason for him to leave. He liked it there.

He liked the warmth of the blankets, the seeds and crumbs the human fed him, and the peacefulness. Most of all he liked the human.

He was an older fellow, more gray in his hair than color. He was full of life and laughter though, warmth seeped from his smiles. And he liked to talk about anything and everything. That was how he learned most of their language.

He talked about how the changing of seasons was possible, about the humans living in the next house over, about his favorite foods, about aching bones. He talked about his family sometimes. This was 847's favorite topic to hear about. Family was a concept unheard of for kaiju. Sure, he had brothers and sisters, but it wasn't the kind of family the human talked about. Family was more than sharing the same DNA. Family was caring.

The Kaiju didn't care for each other, and the Precursors certainly didn't either.

Humans seemed to care about everything.

This particular human had cared for him, despite the fact that he was weak and useless. In fact, it seemed to endear him more to the man.

Perhaps that was why the human prattled on day after day. Maybe he could sense 847's loneliness and chose to fill it with words to distract him.

"Oh, there you are. I was wondering if today would be the day you finally got tired of me," a soft voice broke through his thoughts. He padded over to him across the counter to peck him affectionately on the shoulder. He laughed weakly and stroked his feathers.

Now, 847 didn't know that much about humans, but something seemed off about his caretaker. His smile wasn't as bright as usual, and his eyes glistened in the light. He pushed his head against the other's hand and cooed softly.

The human gave a watery laugh. "You can tell something's wrong can't you? You're a smart bird- smarter than those pigeons anyway." He sighed, gaze drifting off to the shoreline. 847 nudged him with his head again to get his attention.

"Oh sorry, old boy. Bit distracted today. It's just- well I don't know say," he sighed. "It's a bit of a long story actually. But I suppose you have time, don't you? And I don't think I have the heart to talk to anyone else about it." He slumped in his chair, resting his head on his forearms.

"It happened a couple years ago-one of those dreadful kaiju attacks. They seem to be happening more frequently. My son Fred- you remember him right? I'm pretty sure I've talked about him before... Anyway, he was in Manila at the time with some friends. He was there for charity work," he laughed bitterly.

"But I guess God didn't care about that. Or the universe or whatever. The kaiju sure didn't. Those things just wreak havoc where they can. It was tearing the city apart, knocking down buildings and throwing things around. Well, my boy, he and his friends were trying to get to the airport. But they got a flat tire. Not that surprising what with everything going on, I suppose.

"Those poor boys. My son was one of the ones out of the car trying to fix it.

"But that kaiju was causing all sorts of chaos. And in the commotion it tore up a tree. And it threw it five miles away. Five whole miles!

"But this tree came crashing down out of the sky, and on its rebound it hit my son and his friend. They both got knocked out by the hit, but I guess my boy was hit more directly than the other one. His friend woke up a few hours later, scraped up badly, but aside from some scars nothing permanent. My boy...." he trailed off, and 847 wondered if he'd ever continue.

The seconds passed by, counted by the clock on the wall. Tick, tock, tick, tock; the only sound filling the silence.

Until at last he spoke again, "He's in a coma now. He never woke up from that hit. We've been waiting-my wife and I- but nothing's changed. Two whole years have passed, and he's made no sign of recovery. He's basically brain dead. The doctors told us so as soon as he was admitted. Said it was unlikely he'd ever get better. But what kind of parent would believe that?" The laugh that followed was slightly hysterical and made him slightly uneasy, but 847 stayed where he was.

"Well, we've waited and waited. We've tried everything in the book. We've gone to visit him every week, read at his bedside, told him about what's going on in the world, kept him updated on his friends and interests. And we've got nothing in return. Nothing to show for our faith.

"But I suppose that's how faith works, isn't it? You believe in something with no evidence, and you hope for the best. Sometimes you're rewarded, and sometimes you're not. That's life I guess.

"It's his birthday next week. He's turning 22. It's his golden birthday. It was supposed to be a big deal, back when he was awake.

"My wife's been crying non-stop all week. It's hard on her, sweet soul that she is. You've met her a few times, she likes to stop by and get some fresh sea air. I think it's hard on her to be near it too long though. Too painful of a reminder of our son. He loved the ocean."

He propped his head on one hand and reached out to pet him.

"The doctors say we should let him go. Well, perhaps not in those words exactly, but that was the gist of it. They say we have to accept our lots in life, and I know they're right. I just don't want to. How can I give up my only child?" he croaked, tears leaking from his eyes.

"My wife and I, we're not young anymore. I don't think it'd be very nice of us to have another kid. Could you imagine? The poor child would have parents as old as their classmates' grandparents. That's not very fair. We'd probably be in our graves before they turned 40.

"The point is moot anyway. I wouldn't want to give up Fred even if we had a dozen more children already," he sighed.

"It's hard times we live in. I know we're not the only parents outliving our own children. Maybe one day, we'll have peace again," he finished, looking mournfully at the clouds rolling in over the ocean. 847 nestled down beside him, and tried to ignore the twisting inside his gut. He rested his head against the human's arm, closing his eyes and mourning the human he'd never meet.

* * *

 

A week passed before the human returned. His eyes were rimmed red and swollen.

"We did it. We pulled the plug. My boy is gone," he sobbed, cradling the bird against his chest.

"We figured it was time. Seemed only right that we'd set him free on his birthday. He won't be tethered to this earth anymore." 847 looked up at him and blinked. He didn't entirely understand what the human was saying about tethers and plugs, but it wasn't important. He wished he could help appease the man's pain, but he had no idea how to help.

He set the bird to perch on the coffee table while he slumped dejectedly into an armchair.

"I know that this was the right thing to do. I know it. But still I feel as though I can't forgive myself for letting this happen. For letting him go this way. There's so many things I wanted to tell him.

"I wish I could look him in the eyes and tell him how much I love him. To tell him how proud I was. That I'd pay whatever price just to have him back.

"What I wouldn't give just to be able to hold my son one last time," he whispered, picking a picture off the table and staring sorrowfully at it.

847 felt such pain for this man. Compassion and empathy were still relatively new feelings for him, but he'd never felt so strongly about anything before. Except perhaps, that fateful day he'd first crossed over to this world.

A memory of eyes meeting his as he opened his jaws flashed across his mind.

He'd caused so much pain. Wasn't it time for him to return some kindness to this world?

His human wanted to see his son again.

He wasn't his son, but he could change himself to look like him, couldn't he? He peered around the room at the pictures framed along the walls and fireplace.

He could do it.

He should, shouldn't he?

It was only fair to repay his generosity.

But humans didn't change shape. Nothing on this planet did. Not like he did anyway.

Would he cast him away?

Or would he be grateful?

What should he do?

What purpose did he have without the human anyway?

He should just do it.

He wouldn't know until he tried.

He had to help somehow.

He had to repay him.

847 took a deep breath and focused on one of the pictures beside him.

He mentally thanked the human for everything he'd done.

And then he changed his form.

A picture frame crashed against the floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry this is so late (like even later than usual haha) but classes started up again and my laptop died temporarily and everything was going to shit, but it's finally done.  
> On a story related note: I swear the Fredashi is gonna come eventually. Like maybe not next chapter but maybe the chapter after that???? Idk lol. Also I will be forever grateful for wiki sites because they hold so much information that is really only useful for writing shitty fanfics lol.  
> I have no idea when Fred's actual birthday is. That is something wiki sites did not tell me. But oh well.  
> Also I did not edit this, because frankly i never do lol, but anyway there's a large chance something went wrong along the way and I didn't notice it


	4. A New Man

All things considered, the human handled 847's transformation quite well. He dropped into an armchair and fainted.

Then about ten minutes later he woke up.

After the initial shock had worn off he had let out a long stream of questions, but the kaiju didn't really know how to speak. He'd never spoken a word before. He honestly wasn't sure how.

He tried to say something- anything, but all that came out was a croaky sound that sounded nothing like human language.

Fortunately this caught the human's attention, and he saw some understanding light up in his eyes.

"You-can you talk?" He shook his head. He was fairly certain that meant no.

"Okay. But you understand what I'm saying?" the man asked, tilting his head and taking a step closer. He nodded.

"Alright then. I suppose yes or no questions will have to do... Are you human?" He shook his head.

"What are-no, you can't answer that. Hmm. Can you shape shift in more than one form?" He nodded.

"I see...." he trailed off, hands scrabbling through his hair.

"I don't know how to put this into yes or no format, but I have to ask anyway. Why are you doing this? You spent months here as a bird, and now you- you turn into my son," he said, voice cracking at the last word.

847 stood there uncomfortably. Even if he had the ability to speak he wasn't sure he'd be able to explain it. Experiencing all these emotions and acknowledging them was a very new process for him. He wasn't even sure he knew what it was that he felt. He just knew that it twisted up his insides to look at the man before him and watch him fall apart.

He looked around before stooping to pick up the picture that had fallen to the floor. He handed it to the human who took it warily. He pointed at the picture, then at the human, and reached out slowly to touch the wet marks on his cheeks.

The human looked dazedly back at him.

"You- you feel bad? About my son? Is that it?" He nodded his head emphatically. Yes, that must be what he was feeling.

"So you-" he cut off with a puff of air, sagging back into his seat. There were a few moments of silence as he figured out what to ask next.

"Are you trying to...to replace him?" he asked quietly. 847 tilted his head. He wasn't sure he knew what that word meant.

The human sighed, "Do you want to take his place? Pretend to be my son?" He suddenly felt much older than before. And he had already felt quite old, given the rest of the day's events, thank you very much.

847 nodded slowly. That was probably why he had done this...wasn't it? Honestly, he hadn't thought that far ahead. He'd spent most of the time thinking about whether or not it would be right to transform in front of the man, not about what he'd actually do once he had.

"This is...this is crazy," the man said, running his aging hands over his face. Then he gave a hesitant smile.

"But maybe I could use a little crazy. Do you plan on doing this for long?"

847 shrugged. He had no idea what he was doing. Hadn't had the slightest idea for months.

"Well... would you be willing to do this for a long time? Years even?"

Years? That was pretty long to stay in a tiny form like this. But it's not like he had anything else to do. Or anywhere else to go for that matter. If he reverted back to his true form the precursors and the humans would hunt him down.

He nodded.

"Well then. I'll have to call my wife. Have a talk about getting a new addition to the family. I was against having another child due to our age, but with you... I guess it changes things. We'll just have to see what she says, won't we?"

* * *

His wife was speechless when she showed up of course. When her husband asked her to come to the lake house right away she had assumed he just wanted her to de-stress and mourn with him.

Imagine her surprise when he pulled someone who looked just like her son out of the guest room.

It was uncanny how similar he looked to Fred- before the accident that is. In fact, he looked exactly like one of the photographs they had lying around there.

Needless to say, her husband had a lot of explaining to do.

And explain he did. At the end of his story he pulled her into a separate room to have a private talk.

"Look dear, I know this seems insane, but I think it's the right thing to do. I mean, you saw him. It's like he's new to this world. I mean, he can shape shift into a human and has intelligence, but he doesn't even know how to speak. Why would that be? I think he needs help. And who's better to give it than us?"

"Honey, our boy just _died_. Today! The wounds could not be fresher! We're not in any state to raise this- boy, or whatever he is," she whispered heatedly at him.

"Well, nothing says 'moving on from grief' like pushing it aside and distracting yourself with other problems." She slapped him on the shoulder.

"Stan!" They may have had years to come to terms with their son’s all too likely death, but there were lines.

"Sorry. That was inappropriate. The filter for my mouth turned off today. It's been hectic."

"Look, I get what you're saying, but what are we supposed to do? Pretend like he's our son? Who we just had a doctor pronounce dead a few hours ago?"

"...Yes. I mean, we'd have to pay off the doctor to keep it quiet, but that's exactly what we could do."

"Stan. He doesn't even know how to speak."

"Fred was in a coma for two years. It would be considered a miracle he even woke up. We can just tell everyone it affected his brain. It would explain us having to teach him new things, his not having memories of his old life, and any weird non-human quirks of his. Come on."

"I just don't know, dear...."

He reached out to hold her hand in his.

"Joan. Don't you miss being a mother? Let's be honest here- we haven't been parents ever since our boy took that hit. We have a chance to have a kid again. Someone to take care of. That can reciprocate our affection. Probably." She snorted.

"Come on. Don't you want that again?" he asked softly. And she did. She wanted it so badly. She had spent years wishing to have her boy back- to have someone to dote on. And now, here was an opportunity to have that again, served up on a platter. It wasn't the same; it could never be the same.

But it was close enough.

She agreed.

* * *

 

847 got a new name. Well, to be fair, he'd never had a name before. He'd just had a number.

But now he had a name. It felt...nice. Even if he'd only been given it because it had once belonged to someone else.

His name was Fred.

* * *

 

Fred spent the next year holed up in the family mansion learning to read and write and speak. He was a fast learner. It surprised his parents, but they didn't complain. In retrospect they shouldn't have been surprised at all- after all he'd learned enough English to piece together the questions Stan had asked him that first fateful day. And he'd only been on Earth for a few months at that point.

Yes, he'd explained what he was. He would have felt overwhelmingly guilty if he hadn't. Lucky for him they didn't try to kill him or hand him over to the government. He had been worried they wouldn't want to accept a kaiju into their lives, especially when one of his kind had killed their own son. But they took the news gracefully. There were some philosophical life questions to ask themselves, but they found they weren't actually that bothered by this information. It did explain how he could do something that no earth originating creature could do. It was odd how much more willing you were to accept things after going through life altering events.

After the first year he'd learned enough that he could actually pass as a human. A little odd at times maybe, but no more so than most people. He even developed his own personality. He wasn't allowed to have one of those back on his home world. He liked it. It was very freeing to be human.

He could do almost anything he wanted, and humans considered it _normal_. They really took for granted how much choice they had.

It was fun to try new things. It was fun to figure out what he liked and disliked. He like pizza and Chinese food. He didn't like brussel sprouts. He liked beer and hot chocolate. He didn't like being hung over. He liked to make people laugh and go on long walks. He didn’t like pity or the feeling of being observed.

He discovered he loved poetry.

He loved it so much his parents let him go to college and major in it. They had to explain what all that meant of course, but as soon as they had he had leapt at the idea.

They were sad to see him go, and more than a little worried, but they figured it was for the best. Besides, he would visit on holidays. Just like a normal college kid.

Being around so many humans all the time was an adjustment for him, but he liked it. He'd met plenty of them before, what with people visiting his home for various reasons, but it was nothing like college. College was much more colorful and diverse. People spoke their mind a lot more there. He found he preferred it that way rather than the hushed whispers creeping behind his back.

It was there he met Aiko Miyazaki.  

He nicknamed her Honey Lemon because every morning without fail she'd have a mug of tea at her desk with a little slice of lemon (and a spoonful of honey, she told him). Plus she had a passion for saving the bees, liked anything that had the word honey in it, and used lemon scented everything.

She was in one of his core classes, majoring in Wildlife Studies. She had a particular focus on kaiju and had a lot more enthusiasm for studying his kind than anyone else he had met. The way she talked about the subject and her major had him talking to his advisor to let him minor in Wildlife Studies. And just like that, they were stuck together like glue.

It was a challenge sometimes to observe his species from a human standpoint that only had limited access to his kind. They knew so little about the kaiju. They didn't even know the precursors existed.

Sometimes he'd try to speed up their research by suggesting "insane theories" that actually had plausible origins. They were mostly scrapped by his classmates, although sometimes Honey would try to find more leads on them. Working with humans and not being able to flat out tell them everything he knew was hard.

He and Honey worked well together though. They had fun, optimistic personalities and enjoyed each other's company. They’d study together or go out to have fun, and every Friday night they’d order take-out and watch animated Disney movies. His favorite was Lilo & Stitch.

They graduated early, having loaded their schedules with as many credits as possible, including summer classes, online courses, and as many independent research possibilities that came their way. It was the busiest two years of his life, but it was extremely rewarding. They graduated with honors and got multiple job offers.

But the one they were most interested in was the position at the San Fransokyo Shatterdome as kaiju researchers.

They took it in a heartbeat.

A few months later they walked into their new job, eyes wide and hearts pounding.

It was there that he was truly reminded of what he was, and what had lead him there.

Because that first day was the day he met Tadashi Hamada. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it probably seems weird that Fred's parents would agree to such a weird plan, but grief makes you do weird things. Plus, the dude's a retired superhero in the movie, so like...he's probably a little weird anyway.   
> Also, THEY'RE FINALLY GONNA MEET AGAIN YAAAAYYYYYY!!!! The Fredashi can finally start next chapter! Truth be told I may have rushed through this one a bit just so I could move onto my precious children falling for each other (and falling HARD) (like victuuri hard- can you believe we've been #blessed with such a show???)  
> Anyways, sorry it took so long. School's really been kicking my ass (specifically art history-the next time i hear about the parthenon or anything else on the acropolis i'm flying to greece and throwing myself off of it)  
> Guess who's starting another au???? lmao it's me cuz I have no self control wtf  
> hmu if ur on tumblr and like to follow blogs with no sense or direction @theofficialasexual ;)


	5. Sorry for Ruining Your Life, You're Really Hot Tho

"Look at this place, Freddy! We're going to learn so much! We'll finally be able to study from actual kaiju bodies, not just books and science journals!" Honey exclaimed as they followed behind Marshal Callaghan.

"Yes, we're happy you chose to come work with us," the older man chuckled. "You two have done brilliant work back at university, and we're excited to see how you can advance our knowledge of the kaiju. It's always good to have a healthy thirst for knowledge like the two of you do. You've come up with some interesting theories. Particularly you, Mr. Whitaker." He glanced back to smile at Fred.

"Ahaha, yeah well, you gotta think outside of the box. Why limit yourself, you know?" he laughed, rubbing the back of his head. He couldn't exactly explain how he came up with his "theories" now could he?

"Well we certainly value creative problem solving," Callaghan said. "Your office will be through here." He gestured down a hallway to their left.

"We don't have quite enough space to let you each have your own office, but there's plenty of space in there for you two to spread out. I heard you two prefer working together anyways though. Is that correct?"

"It sure is!" Fred beamed, throwing an arm around Honey and laughing boisterously.

"We love working together!" she chirped. Marshal Callaghan looked on in amusement before moving on.

"Glad to hear that. Over this way is where our jaeger techs do their magic," he said, leading them forward.

The hallway opened up into a massive hangar that housed all the jaegers available at the base. All around them were people hard at work, fixing jaegers, testing out new equipment, and transferring supplies. Jaegers towered over them, shining and intimidating. Fred swallowed. He hadn't seen one since he first showed up on the planet. Even then he'd been in his true form, unable to truly appreciate just how huge they were.

"Amazing," Honey breathed in awe at his side. She was staring wide eyed at a white and gold jaeger getting a fresh coat of paint to cover the areas where it had been worn away. Fred's eyes were drawn to a different one.

In a different hangar stood a bright gold jaeger that looked new and pristine. He knew it wasn't though because he'd seen it before- although back then it hadn't been as easy to see through the rain and the waves.

_Amaterasu Bold_. He'd looked up every jaeger he could to learn which one he'd faced. According to the official reports it had been out of commission since their fight. The jaeger itself had taken some heavy damage and the pilots... Supposedly they were alive, but not much was said about them.

"That's Amaterasu Bold isn't it? I thought it was out of commission," he turned to the Marshal in askance. The older man looked at him in mild surprise.

"Indeed it is. Done your research haven't you? It's true that Amaterasu has been out of commission since the Odokuro battle, but we've worked hard to get her back in shape. Truth be told, she could have returned back to the field almost two years ago, but unfortunately we haven't had anyone to pilot her. Well, the right people to pilot her is what I should say."

"What do you mean?" Honey asked. After the time they'd spent together she noticed Fred's interest in this particular jaeger and what had happened to it. He was kind of skittish about it though, so she figured she'd ask for him instead. Fred sent her a grateful look behind the Marshal's back.

"One of our pilots was hurt badly after the incident. He's spent a lot of time in rehabilitation to get back on his feet. His co-pilot was survived with surprisingly minor injuries, although the mental strain of piloting a jaeger on his own did a number on him for a little while. He would have been piloting the jaeger, but unfortunately he hasn't been able to drift with anyone besides his brother," Callaghan explained.

"And no one else has replaced them as the jaeger's pilots?" Fred asked surprised. It must have cost hundreds of millions of dollars to repair Amaterasu Bold, so he couldn't imagine the higher ups just letting it sit there to collect dust.

"We here at the shatterdome insisted that Hiro be the one to pilot the jaeger. It didn't seem right to take it away from him after all they've been through. We were hoping he'd find a new partner to drift with, but nothing's worked out." Honey and Fred both hummed in sympathy at the boy's plight.

"On the bright side, his brother has decided to return to piloting," Callaghan's voice broke through their thoughts. "Speak of the devil. Mr. Hamada!" he called to someone behind them.

"Hey, Marshal. How's it going?"

Fred turned around slowly to face the person approaching. Vaguely he could hear Callaghan talking, but he was only focused on one thing.

There, walking toward them was Tadashi Hamada. He wore neat but casual clothes- black pants, a dark green v-neck, and a brown cardigan rolled up to his elbows that matched his eyes. The left half of his body was littered with scars from the burns he'd suffered from.

He was single-handedly the most beautiful thing Fred had ever set eyes upon.

That might seem odd that a kaiju could find a human to be so breathtakingly attractive, but he supposed if you spent enough time living as one of them it made more sense. On the other hand, he'd never felt this way about any of the kaiju. Of course they had also been his siblings/ fellow clones. He decided not to think too hard about it.

Of course with the newfound attraction came an overwhelming swell of guilt. If it hadn't been for Fred, Tadashi wouldn't have been hurt so bad. Fred had probably ruined his life, and here he was ogling the poor guy.

He pushed his swirling feelings aside and forced a convincing smile on his face.

"Nice to meet you! The name's Fred," he greeted, extending a hand out to shake.

Tadashi took his hand and smiled back. Fred felt his knees go weak. "The pleasure's all mine. Tadashi Hamada, at your service."

"I'm Aiko Miyazaki," Honey greeted.

Fred leaned forward and put his hand up conspiratorially, "It's actually Honey Lemon. Don't let her fool you into thinking otherwise." He winked and reveled in the laugh he received.

"Freddy!" Honey giggled. "I guess I can't really argue with you about that. This guy here is the king of nick names," she said, poking him lightly in the side. He beamed at her in response.

"You know it," he said, holding up a fist so she could bump it.

"It's nice to meet you two. I hear you're our new kaiju researchers," Tadashi grinned.

"That's right. Mr. Whitaker and Miss Miyazaki here came highly recommended. I think they'll do great things here," Callaghan said with an approving nod. Fred and Honey shared a look of pride at the compliment.

"TADASHIIIIII!" a yell resounded across the hangar.

The jaeger pilot sighed. "Never a moment of peace," he mumbled. Fred and Honey peered behind him at the figure running to them.

Hiro Hamada came to a screeching stop beside his brother and crossed his arms. " _You_ were supposed to let me know when you got here, you asshole," he said although there was no bite in his voice.

"Yes, Hiro. I know. I've only been here for a little bit. I _was_ going to come find you," Tadashi smirked, reaching a hand out to ruffle his brother's hair.

Hiro batted the hand away and frowned. "Hey! Cut that out- I'm taller than you now, so you shouldn't be able to do that anymore," he pouted.

"You may be taller, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm older. I may not be able to throw you over my shoulders anymore, but I can still do this!" he exclaimed before throwing his arms out to muss up his brother's hair some more. Hiro shrieked and tried to duck away, the two of them laughing all the while.

Fred watched the scene and smiled. Maybe he hadn't completely ruined the other's life after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe I was actually ready to post this about 2 weeks ago???? But then my laptop had to go and dig its own grave again. Right before finals week too. Fucker. It's actually still broken- I'm using my mom's while she's gone for a few days. Because smartphones are great and all but i need multiple tabs open at the same time it's just how I am. I feel bad about how i haven't been able to update anything even tho I really wanted to lol. Figures this would happen when I was super motivated to write. Side note: my mom's keyboard is weird and I already don't like it haha. Also guess who just watched all of Free! and realized how late they joined the party (I didn't even know it ended lmao)
> 
> Story related notes: Fred is a "don't dwell on the past if you can't do anything about it" kind of person. And I didn't really wanna make his last name Lee either lol. I know it's the logical choice, but I haven't really been fond of the idea. So I just gave him the last name of this old guy in these cassette tapes I used to listen to before bed when I was a wee child. Adventures in Odyssey was my jam, what can I say? And I promise the story's gonna get a lot gayer, it just didn't fit as well with the flow of this chapter.   
> I honestly don't know when the next chapter will be posted since I have nothing to write on????? I mean hopefully it will be within a couple months, but I need to buy a new laptop and I'm fucking broke and I have rent and tuition to pay, so everything's really up in the air rn sorry. But I'll do my best! Stay classy peeps ;)


	6. Do You Hear The Jaws Theme Or Is It Just Me?

His first month working at the shatterdome was great. He got to analyze all sorts of kaiju pieces and see just what made his kind tick. It was wildly fascinating for him- it wasn't like his makers had ever held lessons in kaiju biology. Sure, there were some articles and scientific journals that explored kaiju biology that he had studied in college, but hands on experience was way better.

Together he and Honey Lemon got to dissect and pick apart rare pieces of the kaiju that had crossed over before him. There were lots of late nights pouring over their notes trying to figure out how to defeat them.

Fred didn't even know how to defeat them, and he was one of them. Not that he could tell any of the humans that- he'd be turned into a living specimen to experiment on. He really didn't want that to happen.

Despite all their resources, research for solutions was still going slowly. There was only so much one could do against giant monsters set on destroying humanity.

It wasn't all bad though.

For one, he got to learn a lot more about the Hamada brothers. And not in like a creepy, borderline stalkerish way either. He had actually formed a fast friendship with them. He, Honey, the Hamadas, the chief LOCCENT officer Wasabi, and a jaeger technician he nicknamed Gogo had become a tight knit circle. To be fair, Tadashi and Hiro had already been friends with the other two before Honey and Fred joined, but the way they all acted made it feel like it had always been the six of them together.

It was nice to have close friends.

"Freddy, aren't you ready for lunch?" Honey's voice broke through his thoughts. He startled from his position slouched over a nail sample and looked sheepishly at her head poking through the door.

"Sorry. I just got caught up with work I guess," he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

She frowned, squinting her eyes a little. "Don't overwork yourself, okay? Come take a lunch break- Wasabi made sushi!" she said, returning to her usual chipper self.

"Oooo- that does sound good. Gotta respect someone who knows how to cook." He pushed back his chair and stretched his arms above his head to relieve the tension in his back and shoulders. He heard a few quiet pops. Both a sign of an excellent stretch as well as a sign that he had been hunched over too long.

"Of course! Everyone's already waiting- we thought you were just lagging behind a bit, but I guess you didn't notice what time it was," she chattered away as they strolled to the cafeteria. He made a few remarks, but for the most part he just let her lead the conversation. He was kind of tired.

"There he is! There's our resident kaiju fan boy," Hiro cheered when they approached the table their friends were at. Little flecks of rice sprayed out from his mouth, making their tablemates shrink away in disgust.

Tadashi jabbed him not so gently in the side. "Don't talk with your mouth full. We're trying to eat here, and your poor manners are going to ruin our appetites."

"It's highly unsanitary," Wasabi added, wiping not so subtly at the table with his napkin. Hiro just rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at them- fortunately without food on it this time.

"Whatever," Hiro shrugged. He plucked another roll of sushi from the container in front of him.

Wasabi, well organized, considerate germaphobe that he was, had prepared each person at their table their own container of sushi for lunch. They were labeled clearly with their names attached to yellow sticky notes. Fred briefly wondered when the man had time to do all this, but then decided that Wasabi was probably one of those crazy people who only needed to sleep like 3 hours a night to function like a normal human being.

Honey slid into the spot beside Gogo where her lunch was already missing a few rolls.

Fred's lunch sat untouched and situated right across from Tadashi.

Now, let it be known that Fred may have developed a not so little crush on the jaeger pilot, and most of his friends had noticed right away. The one exclusion was Tadashi, thank goodness for that. Unfortunately this meant that the rest of his friends did their best to prevent Fred from ignoring his feelings. So, it was no coincidence that the spot across from his crush was the only one available.

He would have sighed at the ridiculousness of it all, but then Tadashi would have asked what was wrong. And he couldn't explain that to him. That was almost as bad as telling him he was actually a kaiju. Almost.

Instead he sat down on the bench and did his best to appear nonchalant about it.

He absolutely was not going to focus on how breathtaking Tadashi looked, or how his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled at Fred, or how soft his hair looked.... Nope, he definitely wasn't thinking about any of those things.

"So, you guys are finally testing out Amaterasu Bold today right?" he asked, ignoring the warm fluttery feeling in his stomach.

Tadashi and Hiro both gave a crisp "affirmative" and the group devolved into a debate about what they thought was going to happen. Hiro was sure there would be no issues at all, Gogo said they would probably set the hangar on fire, Honey scolded her and said it would go fine, Wasabi didn't even answer- he was too busy trying to figure out the best way to put out a massive fire- and Tadashi looked a little hesitant about it.

Not for the first time, Fred was reminded that Tadashi hadn't wanted to return to jaeger piloting in the first place. He told Fred that the reason he came back was because Hiro was having such a hard time finding another drift compatible pilot.

He flicked a grain of rice at Tadashi to get his attention while the others argued. He did his best to convey the question, "Are you okay?" through his expression.

Tadashi smiled weakly at him in response. He must have been nervous, otherwise he would have tried harder to convince Fred that he was alright.

"Oh come on! Tadashi and I are the dynamic duo of the century. No one else is on par with our awesomeness," Hiro said, crossing his arms and sticking his chin out defiantly.

"Don't let the Summers hear you say that. Or Thalia. She'd kick your ass," Tadashi chuckled.

Hiro scoffed and shot his brother a look of betrayal.

"He's got a point, pipsqueak. You wouldn't stand a chance against her," Gogo chimed in right before she popped a large pink bubble in his face. And seriously? Was she chewing gum the same time she was eating? Because Fred had a lot of weird non-human habits, but even he didn't do that.

"I'm taller than both of you!" Hiro exclaimed, whipping an accusing finger back and forth at them. He was right of course, but they didn't care about that.

"Doesn't matter. You're still the youngest, so that makes you a pipsqueak to us," Gogo deadpanned. She and Tadashi shared a look of triumph over Hiro's sputtering.

The rest of their lunch break was spent with Hiro arguing long and hard against them while everybody else ignored him.

* * *

 

"Yo, nerds- you guys going to come watch Hiro and Tadashi test out Amaterasu?"

Honey and Fred looked up from the skin tissue they'd been examining to blink at Gogo.

"Oh, is it that time already?" Honey asked, staring wide eyed at the clock above the doorway. She and Fred had a bad habit of getting swept up with work and forgetting their other obligations. Not that they were actually obligated to go. They just wanted to go to give their friends moral support.

She cleaned up their notes while he carefully packed away the tissue sample for later use.

"I can't wait to see what happens! Oh, I hope it goes okay. Tadashi looked a little worried," Honey said, bounding out the door to the hallway.

Fred followed at a slightly more sedate pace. He wasn't quite as eager for the momentous occasion. Yes, he was excited that Amaterasu Bold was finally getting back into action, but that didn't mean he wasn't concerned about the strain it would put on his friends.

"I'm sure they'll be fine," he lied, trying not to look as anxious as he felt. All he could think about was how the last time the Hamadas had been in a jaeger together they'd ended up in the hospital. And that it had been his fault.

It felt wrong for him to be there to support them when he'd been the cause of their woes in the first place.

It would have been suspicious if he'd refused to go though, so he repressed all his negative emotions on the matter in order to show his friends that he cared.

But he couldn't help but feel as though something was going to terribly wrong.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm so tired....I don't remember where the plot was going with this....job hunting sucks...school is exhausting...ugh
> 
> But also nothing happens in this chapter because I forgot what I was going to do lol


	7. When It Rains It Pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yoooo I'm sort of back to deliver pain and misery and angst out the wazoo after like 4 months cuz that's how I was forced to roll (the 4 months part that is- there's nothing forced about the rest lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's more mistakes than usual, I'm not using Word

“Alright boys, how do those new suits feel?”

“A lot smoother than the old ones,” Hiro answered Marshal Callaghan. He swung his arms back and forth to test his range of motion. He was enjoying the whole procedure. Unlike his brother.

The Marshal cast a concerned eye over Tadashi. “Any thoughts?”

“It’s like he says. Smoother. Easier to move around in,” Tadashi replied. He tried to smile reassuringly at the older man. He really tried. Judging by the look on Callaghan’s face it didn’t seem to be working though.

He wished he was as confident as Hiro about all this. It had been years since he’d hooked himself up to a jaeger. The last time he had….

His hand slid up the left side of his face. For a moment the rest of the world faded away, and he was taken back to a time much darker, where rain thundered down in great sheets, until everything burst into fire and light.

 “Mr. Hamada?” Callaghan’s voice brought him back to the present.

 He cleared his throat and turned to accept his helmet from one of the jaeger techs. He could feel the Marshal’s gaze boring into his back, but thankfully he said nothing.

 Hiro kept up chatter with the other techs while they puttered around making last minute adjustments. Tadashi focused on taking deep breaths and not getting lost in memories. For fuck’s sake he wasn’t even hooked up yet.

 _Focus. Just focus_ , he told himself. He continued to take deep breaths while the rest of the staff filtered out of the jaeger and back to LOCCENT control.

 “Alright, ready to sync up, pilots?” Wasabi’s voice boomed out through the speakers, making Hiro and Tadashi flinch. “Sorry, sorry,” he apologized, adjusting the volume so it was quieter. “That better?”

 Hiro laughed giddily and shook himself out. “I was born ready, man. Let’s do this!”

 Tadashi took one look at the blinding smile on his little brother’s face and pushed away all his fears. “All set on this end. Let’s get this show on the road.”

* * *

Down on the ground floor Fred was also thinking about the last night Amaterasu Bold and her pilots had been together.

 He wasn’t the religious type- being a shapeshifting alien tended to affect your views on such things. However, that wasn’t about to stop him from praying to every god or deity he could think of. He was pretty sure no one had worshipped some of the gods he was praying to in thousands of years. Still, it was the thought that counted. What was that saying? There are no atheists in foxholes?

“Look- the techs are leaving the conn-pod. That means they’ll be making the neural connection soon, right?” Honey asked, pointing up at the jaeger’s helm.

 “Yep,” Gogo answered, popping a large pink bubble uncomfortably close to Fred. “Now we wait and see if they crash and burn.”

 “Gogo! Don’t say that! I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Honey reprimanded, smacking her lightly on the shoulder. Wow, Fred wished he could be that optimistic. He better keep praying.

* * *

“Initiating drift,” Wasabi said.  Hiro and Tadashi snapped back when their suits attached to the jaeger and the mind melding began.

 Tadashi had almost forgotten how strange it was to experience memories that weren’t his. The weirdest ones were the ones they had shared- memories where he looked at himself through Hiro’s eyes. Their whole lives spun past him in a flash, bits and pieces coming into focus before disappearing. He could reach out to grab them, to live in that moment again, but he knew he couldn’t afford to do that. He had to focus on moving beyond all those. He couldn’t chase the rabbit.

 It worked until he saw rain pouring down outside the thick glass of the conn-pod. Just for a moment, he forgot where he really was, what he was doing, how the scars on his body ached in phantom pain.

 From the crashing waves it appeared, skeletal and scaly and tremendous. His heart pounded in his chest, and he forgot how to breathe.

 Distantly he could hear shouting. Hiro was cursing, and they were grappling with the kaiju- but that wasn’t right. He could also hear Wasabi and Marshal Callaghan yelling at him not to follow the rabbit.

The rabbit? No not the rabbit. The _R.A.B.I.T_. The Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers.

 This wasn’t real. Or rather, it was real, but it wasn’t happening at that moment. It was a memory. It was over and done. He was fine. He had to move on.

 The rain and the waves and the terrible beast were stripped away, leaving him panting in the conn-pod as he tried to calm down.

 “-ashi is back in sync. Tadashi can you hear me?”

 “Yeah, I- I can hear you, Wasabi,” he gasped. “How-how long have I been out?”

 “Approximately 8 minutes. Hiro is still out of sync though. Can you try and reach him?” Wasabi asked with a hint of desperation.

 Now that Tadashi was starting to normalize his breathing he realized Wasabi was right. Hiro was chasing the rabbit, just like he had been seconds before. He swore he could hear a little radio announcer talking in this back of his head. This just in: the Hamada brothers are idiots.

 “Hiro. _Hiro_ ,” he called to his brother. It was harder to see with their visors on, but he could make Hiro’s profile out in the flashing lights. His brother was wide-eyed and unmoving. He had to reach him somehow. Had to bring him back to the present before something bad happened.

 And then something bad happened.

 Hiro raised his arm, the jaeger copying his movement. The spectators in the hangar started to scatter. They really should have started when the alarms started blaring that the pilots were out of sync, but everyone had been so curious about Amaterasu’s reemergence into the field. Not everyone moved fast enough.

 Before Tadashi could try to stop him Hiro had reared back his fist and swung a punch out in front of him. The jaeger’s massive fist hit a catwalk, sending it and a group of screaming onlookers tumbling into open air.

 “NO!” Tadashi cried, reaching the jaeger’s other hand out to try and catch them. Some of them were fortunate enough to land in his open hand, but a few were unlucky enough that they continued to fall and hit the ground. The screaming increased, and Tadashi felt his heart go cold.

 The bodies lay still where they fell.

* * *

Fred grew worried when he saw the blinking warning lights reflecting in the LOCCENT windows. A tinny, mechanical voice rang out across the intercom that said both pilots were out of sync. Concerned whispers broke out amongst the crowds of onlookers, and Fred did his best to appear unperturbed.

 “Well, that’s...to be expected isn’t it? After all, they haven’t drifted with a jaeger in years. It’s bound to be a little rocky at first, right?” Honey said. She looked nervously between Gogo and Fred, shifting from side to side on her feet.

 Gogo and Fred shared a look that made it clear that it was not in fact to be expected.

 Gogo was the one to break the news to Honey. “Actually, no. Jaeger pilots are all trained not to do this. Most times pilots aren’t allowed to create a neural bridge without LOCCENT being sure they won’t go chasing rabbits. To have it happen to both of them at once…”

 “Chasing rabbits?” Fred asked. He remembered hearing about that before, but he couldn’t remember what it meant.

 “It’s when you get lost in a specific memory,” said Luke, walking up to stand beside them. Luke Castellan was another jaeger pilot. He and his partner Thalia piloted Kronos Albion, a towering contraption of white trimmed with gold. He walked a fine line between being a cool guy and being an asshole.

 “Marshal should have had psychiatrics analyze them before sending them back into drift. Who knows what could happen with them like this.” Fred resisted the urge to glare at the blond man for making such an annoyingly logical statement.

 “But if they’re out of sync that means they can’t do anything with the jaeger doesn’t it?” Honey said, brows pinched in worry.

 “ ‘Fraid not. They’re connected to the jaeger still, it’s just that they’re not really connected to the outside world. They’re living a different moment in their lives than the one the rest of us are,” Luke explained. He opened his mouth to say more, but was cut off by the sound of Amaterasu Bold’s arm raising and clenching its fist.

 “Oh _shit_ ,” was all he got out before the people up on the catwalks started to take off in all directions as the jaeger struck out, hitting one of the catwalks.

 People were screaming and falling, and Fred felt his stomach crawl up into his throat. Amaterasu’s left hand had reached out to try and catch the falling people but didn’t succeed in saving them all. There were sickening thuds when the bodies hit the floor.

 His heart stopped beating for a moment as he processed what had just happened. People were shouting frantically and running and pushing and he continued to stand there staring.

 It was a nightmare.

 What was happening inside that conn-pod? He knew Hiro piloted the right side and Tadashi the left. That meant Tadashi was probably the one who had caught those people.

  _And missed_ , a cruel voice hissed in the back of his mind. He forced it aside.

 If Tadashi had been trying to save those people that meant the one doing the damage...was Hiro. What kind of memory was Hiro experiencing that had such an effect on him that he was attacking? What foe did he think he was facing?

 Wait a minute...a dangerous foe...a memory with enough emotion behind it to make him lose himself...the first time they had drifted in years…

 He knew what memory Hiro was reliving.

 The scar cutting across his chest ached and he clutched at the fabric of his shirt that covered it.

 Oh Precursors, this was all his fault.

* * *

 

“Hiro. _Hiro, please_ ,” he croaked, reaching his right hand out to his brother. Beyond the cries of pain and terror he could hear the members of LOCCENT frantically trying to shut down the jaeger, but it wasn’t working. He didn’t know what was wrong, but he knew the only way to stop more people from getting hurt was to stop Hiro.

 The panic around the jaeger, the shouting, the sirens, the flashing lights, _everything_ melted away until he was standing in the conn-pod next to his brother as the wind and waves roared around them. There were different but all too familiar sounds of distress in the air. The window in front of them was melted in ripples and the metal edges were glowing from the heat.

 "Stay calm boys, help is on the way,” Marshal Callaghan’s voice broke through the silence.

  _Deep breaths_ , they thought. _In...and out...in...out...in...out_.

 Odokuro raised itself onto its hind legs and roared, flames spewing from its mouth.

Tadashi looked to his left to see himself take a step forward and move the jaeger just as the fire hit the helm, blasting through the window to engulf him. He heard his own screams of pain, felt his skin bubble and burn in the heat from Hiro’s mental link with him.

“TADASHI!” Hiro screamed his name over and over, but his body lay unmoving on the floor, the neural link silent.

“Hiro,” he whispered. He wanted to shout, wanted to reassure his little brother that he would be alright, but he couldn’t. He’d never- he’d never asked Hiro what happened after he went down in the flames. The mission report Marshal Callaghan had handed him to explain things was as far into the matter that he’d looked. He hadn’t wanted to address the topic. He was a fool.

He should have talked to Hiro about what happened with Odokuro. Instead the two of them had avoided the topic, unwilling to face what had happened to them.

He felt sick. This, what was happening now to his brother, to everyone in the hangar...it was his fault. He shouldn’t have agreed to this without making sure he and Hiro were ready for it. He should have known better.

“Hiro,” he said, voice a little louder, a little more controlled. “Hiro, you have to stop this. This isn’t happening right now. It’s only a memory. You have to get back in control.” He grabbed his brother’s shoulders and tried to get Hiro to focus on him, but it was no use. Hiro only had eyes for one other being.

Odokuro had paused, and Hiro took the initiative to strike. He yelled wordlessly and charged the kaiju, right arm activating the sword hidden within to swing down at the beast in mindless fury.

“ _HIRO NO_!” He shouted, scrambling to keep his little brother from causing further damage. He gripped Hiro’s arm in both hands to keep it from striking.

The wind whipping around the helm and the rain pelting their faces disappeared, and they were standing warm and dry, still hooked up to their jaeger. The alarms and the flashing warnings had gone out with the rest of the power in the jaeger, but he could still hear them muffled from outside.

He flung himself away from his station, disconnecting the suit from the jaeger and caught his brother as he fell to the floor. Hiro lay passed out in his arms, and Tadashi stayed there like that until the LOCCENT officers and jaeger techs came flooding in to collect them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooohhh boooooyyyyy. you thought it would go off less disastrously than in the movie? you were fucking wrong lmao. it's actually worse than in the movie cuz lemme tell you mako and raleigh were 2 lucky s.o.b.s not to hurt anyone in that sequence.


	8. We're All A Little Broken Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little aftermath

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Over and over, the word repeated in a never-ending stream inside his head.

There were four dead bodies lying in the morgue. There were four funerals to be arranged. There were four people Tadashi failed to save.

And there were even more injured because of his recklessness. He should have known they weren't ready- he should have tried harder.

Four.

Four.

Four.

The Marshal needed to talk to them in one hour and twenty seven minutes. He would have talked to them sooner, but there was so much more to take care of. He had to make sure everyone was being treated. He had to get the jaeger checked over. He had to contact the victims' families.

Tadashi dropped his head in his hands and tried to will away the images that were seared into his brain.

Four bodies lay on the ground, silent and unmoving.

Hiro's fist struck out and hit Odokuro. Only it wasn't Odokuro; it was a catwalk full of screaming people.

Tadashi was screaming and his skin was melting and there was fire everywhere-.

The people slipped through his fingers and hit the ground. The screaming grew louder, but it also stopped.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

Four.

* * *

Fred, Gogo, and Honey had been swept up in the chaos that had followed Amaterasu's attack, so by the time they extracted themselves from the crowd the Hamadas had already been removed from the jaeger.

Hiro was unconscious and waiting to be checked over by a medic once a medic could be spared. As it was, all the medical staff were busy tending to more urgent matters. Hiro would have to wait until one of them was free.

Nobody knew where Tadashi was. The last anyone had seen of him was when they found him in the conn-pod, cradling his unconscious brother in his arms. Wasabi said that Marshal Callaghan had told Tadashi to be at his office at 16:30, but after that he'd disappeared. That was almost an hour ago.

Wasabi had helped Fred carry Hiro back the pilot's room. Unfortunately space was tight in the infirmary, so they had to take him back to his bunk. Wasabi said it would be fine since Hiro's strain was all mental and not physical, so they wouldn't have to worry about moving him causing any aggravation to his injuries.

Hiro didn't rouse during the process or in the time afterwards. Gogo and Wasabi had to leave to look over Amaterasu, but Honey and Fred had nowhere else to be.

Honey was perched on the edge of Hiro's bunk, smoothing a hand over his forehead.

"Freddy," she said softly, breaking the tense silence. "You should go find Tadashi. I can watch over Hiro, but Tadashi shouldn't be left on his own. Go make sure he's okay."

He nodded solemnly at her and turned away to do as she said.

He didn't even know if he would be able to find Tadashi, but he had to try. She was right. Tadashi shouldn't be alone at a time like this.

* * *

It took him almost forty minutes, but he did find Tadashi. He almost missed him- the pilot was huddled in a corner on the roof.

He didn't respond when Fred called out to him, although it seemed like that was because he was lost in his own thoughts rather than just ignoring him. Fred approached the other very carefully.

"Tadashi?" he said quietly, bending down to lay a hand gently on his shoulder.

His friend startled at the touch and jolted his head out from the crook of his elbows. He turned to Fred with wide, watery eyes. The skin around them was red and swollen, and made it very obvious that he'd been crying. Which was to be expected, but it took Fred a little off guard nonetheless. He'd never seen Tadashi cry before.

He very much hoped he'd never have to see it happen again. Just looking at him made his chest hurt. Tadashi deserved something better than this. He deserved to spend his days smiling and laughing and enjoying life! Not crying the hours away.

He plopped down next to Tadashi and threw an arm around his shoulders, drawing them close together. In different circumstances he would be over the moon at getting to hold him like this. But these were not different circumstances, and he took no pleasure over the tragedy that had befallen the shatter dome.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He wouldn't make Tadashi talk if he didn't want to, but he heard that telling someone your problems made you feel better.

Tadashi sniffled and wiped his face on his tear stained sleeve.

It was another minute before he replied. "This is all m-my f-fault. I should h-have known better. Hiro and I weren't ready for t-t-this. Maybe we never will be. I don't even really w-want to pilot Amaterasu again. I just agreed to because I knew Hiro wanted to.

"God, he wanted to s-so bad, Fred. I could see it in his eyes every time he m-mentioned her name or talked shop about the rest of the jaegers. He tried so h-hard to find another partner to drift with...

"But nobody could do it. And he was so d-d-disappointed, and I could tell he wanted to ask me but didn't because of w-what happened... How could I say n-no?" he said. His voice broke over the last word and Fred held him a little tighter.

"And n-now- now people are dead because I was too ch-chi-chicken to tell my brother that I couldn't do this anymore."

Hiro had told him once that some of the trauma caused by Odokuro's attack made Tadashi stutter when he was stressed. He had gone through a lot of therapy to make it more manageable in everyday life, but when he got upset it resurfaced with a vengeance. He'd never witnessed it before this moment.

"Hey, man. You're being too hard on yourself right now. You can't blame yourself for what happened. What happened was a mistake, and it was terrible, but it's not your fault, okay?" he said.

Tadashi pulled his knees closer and buried his face in his hands. "But i-it is. You don't get it, F-fred. I knew I wasn't ready, b-b-but I let them hook me up to A-am-amaterasu anyway. If I had been r-ready I wouldn't have chased the rabbit and I could have helped H-hiro, but I didn't do any of t-that. I tried so hard to reach him, but I couldn't! I tr-tried, but-" he broke off, dissolving into another round of tears.

"Hey, hey." Fred reached over with his free hand to wipe the tears from his face. "You did your best, and no one can ask any more of you. I know it's easy to play the blame game after something like this happens, but I promise you that this is not entirely your fault. A lot of decisions were made that could have prevented what happened, alright?

"Listen- it wasn't just you. Hiro should have known better than to go chasing the rabbit too. The Marshal should have made sure you guys were both prepared for drifting again. The techs should have made sure they could control Amaterasu if things got out of hand. This is not your fault," he said firmly. He let his hand rest on Tadashi's cheek.

His friend looked at him with more tears in his eyes, but he looked slightly less self loathing than before. Fred considered that a good thing.

Before he knew it he found himself with a lapful of Tadashi.

"Fred, I'm s-scared," he whispered. The kaiju could feel the collar of his shirt dampen with warm tears.

He delicately wrapped his arms around the other, unsure of what to say. What was he supposed to do? Tell him not to be afraid? Tell him there was no reason to be worried about the oncoming threat of the kaiju race tearing his world apart? Tell him he and Hiro would have no problems hooking up to their jaeger if they just tried it one more time?

Those would have been lies. He couldn't promise him any of that.

All he had to promise was himself.

"I wish I could tell you that you don't have to be scared," was what he told him. "But I can't promise you that things will be smooth sailing from here on out. What I can tell you is that no matter what, you won't be alone. Honey, Wasabi, Gogo and I are all here for you guys. If you ever feel like there's something you need to get off your chest and can't tell Hiro, then come tell one of us, okay? We're your friends- we want to know if you're okay. I don't care how petty or monumental of a burden it may seem- just come tell me, okay?"

He paused to let Tadashi answer, running his hands run up and down Tadashi's back in soothing motions.

"Okay," Tadashi murmured into his neck. His hands were clenched in the front of Fred's shirt.

They stayed pressed together like that until Tadashi's appointment with Marshal Callaghan rolled around.

* * *

The Hamadas were suspended until further notice. This basically meant they weren’t allowed to do anything with Amaterasu until...forever.

Tadashi was surprised they weren't being kicked out of the shatter dome. Hiro was understandably distraught about what had happened and didn't protest about their punishment for once.

"Come on, Tadashi. Are you really that surprised? I mean, you're basically Callaghan's favorite pilot. The guy trained you himself. There was no way he was going to kick you out," Gogo said. She popped a large bubble in his face.

"First of all, I am not his favorite and he helped train other people too. And it's not like it was just his decision to make- a lot of people had to weigh in on what to do with is," Tadashi retorted.

Honey took a sip of her iced tea and gave him a thoughtful look. "I don't know, Tadashi... The Marshal does have a soft spot for you. I bet he fought really hard to make sure you guys got to stay."

The group bickered back and forth for a few minutes while Lilo & Stitch played quietly in the background.

"Will you guys cut it out?" Hiro snapped. He had put up with their nonsense for long enough. "How can you guys be acting so casual about what happened today? I killed and hurt a lot of people! Who cares if Callaghan secretly has the hots for my brother or not?! Quit acting like everything's normal and nothing's wrong!"

The group stared at him in silence.

Eventually Fred piped up to address the issue. "Hiro, we're just trying to... _cope_. Things aren't magically going to get better, but brooding isn't going to help either."

"Sometimes it's better to move on when there's nothing you can do to fix it," Gogo cut in.

"Well, pretending like everything is fine isn't going to 'fix it' either," Hiro snarled. He sprang to his feet and pushed past them to the door. He couldn't do this right now. He just couldn't.

When he heard the door open behind him he sped up his pace down the hallway. Sadly, it was not enough to deter his follower.

"Hiro," Tadashi called, grabbing him by the shoulder.

The younger man spun around to glare at his brother. "What? Are you going to tell me to be more polite? That I shouldn't let my temper get the best of me? That I need to go apologize for being rude?" he growled.

Tadashi's shoulders tensed for a moment and he looked like he was about to say something about Hiro's attitude, but he forced himself to take a deep breath instead. The anger seemed to drain out of him until he was left with nothing but sadness in his eyes.

"No..." he said quietly. "Look, I just... I want you to be okay. And I wish there was s-something- _anything_ \- I could do to make this... _better_. But I _can't_. I c-c-can't even help get m-myself through this, much less you," he sputtered.

He looked so miserable that Hiro felt a sudden surge of guilt for snapping at him. The stuttering made him feel even worse. He'd been doing so good about getting rid of that...

He deflated in defeat. He was still angry and upset, but he couldn't take it out on Tadashi. That wasn't right. The one he was really angry at was himself. Tadashi hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, out of the two of them, Tadashi was the only one who had done anything remotely right. He had tried to save those people. Unlike Hiro.

He was getting ready to board the train of simultaneous self pity and self hatred when Tadashi shoved something in his face.

It was a phone.

He peered cautiously down at his older brother.

"C-call her. You haven't in a w-while," was all he said before pushing it into Hiro's hands and walking back to their room.

Hiro stared after him dumbfounded until loud voices echoed around the corner. He wasn't really ready to face anyone else after everything that had gone on that day, so he pulled his hood over his head, stuffed the phone into his pocket, and stalked off in the other direction.

Once he was alone and sure nobody was going to stumble upon him he pulled the phone back out of his pocket. He looked at the contact Tadashi had opened it to and pressed the call button.

There were four rings before she answered.

"Hi, Sweetie! I'm so glad you called! It's been too long."

"I know... I'm sorry. But it's- it's really good to hear your voice, Aunt Cass," he replied, and a little bit of the weight on his chest lifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor children...sorry for your suffering, but it had to be done...also I know next to nothing about ptsd so if anything seems wildly inaccurate in the oncoming chapters I apologize. 
> 
> Also, I love Tadashi being a perfect older brother for Hiro to lean on, but he's gotta fail a little at some point you feel me??? Cuz drama. Also this has been 90% finished for like three days and I've just been too lazy to finish it til last night haha
> 
> This is also your reminder that in this fic Hiro has grown taller than his brother ;) cuz I almost forgot lmao


	9. Take a Deep Breath and Let It All Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's finally back bitches~

Fred wished he could say that life got easier after Amaterasu's grounding. And in a way it was. Without waiting on standby to be sent off to battle, the Hamadas found themselves tinkering around with the jaeger techs to keep themselves occupied. They didn't have to worry about dying in a fight with a kaiju. They kept themselves busy.

But having something to do didn't erase what they'd done.

Hiro threw himself into work, refusing to eat or sleep without someone forcing him to. He wouldn't eat in the cafeteria anymore- too many accusing eyes- so his friends or occasionally the other jaeger pilots would bring him his meals and insist he try and eat something. It all tasted rotten in his mouth though. Still, it was easier to get him to eat than it was to get him to sleep.

He hated sleeping. He used to love it, but ever since the incident he found himself loathing the thought of it. He couldn't handle the idea of losing control of his body again. And that's what sleep was to him. He had no control over anything while he dreamt.

So he stayed awake instead. As long as he wasn't hooked up to a jaeger then he would stay in control of himself.

The psychologist on base told him that it wasn't healthy, and that he needed to learn to trust himself again.

Hiro insisted that he trusted himself as long as he was in control. The rest of the group didn't have the heart to argue with him about it.

Tadashi was a whole other story. He shared his brother's distaste of eating and sleeping, but for very different reasons.

Every time he shut his eyes he could see those people fall to the ground, heard the screams echoing throughout the hangar. He could see the rage and grief in Hiro's eyes as he watched his body burn. He felt the flames lick at his skin, and he saw those lifeless bodies lay unmoving.

There was no peace to be found in dreams for him.

The best he could hope for was dreamless sleep after he passed out from exhaustion.

As for the eating... well, he just couldn't seem to keep anything down these days. He tried- oh, he tried- but it was all for naught. It never sat well in his stomach, so he almost always ended up vomiting it out a few minutes down the line.

His friends tried everything to get him to keep it down. They had him try different foods each day, made him homemade meals, kept him on a liquid diet, but nothing worked.

The Hamada brothers were really quite miserable.

They tried to hide it of course- Hiro behind a mask of indifference and Tadashi behind tired smiles. It was plain to see that they weren't doing well though.

Fred wanted to go back in time and punch himself in the face.

If only he'd never confronted Amaterasu and simply run away from the precursors as soon as he was through the breach, none of this would have happened.

He couldn't help but feel as though this was all his fault, despite the fact that logically he knew that there was a long string of events and choices made by multiple parties that led up to the events. Whatever the case was, Fred made it his personal mission to get the Hamadas back into good health. He had to make it up to them somehow.

Today he was going to try and get Tadashi to eat some lunch and take a nap while Honey and he worked on a tooth collected from the remains of Yamarashi.

"Here, buddy, I got you some yogurt and a protein shake," he said as he handed the items to his weary looking friend. So far the gang had decided to stick with soft foods for him. Fred read somewhere that bulimics needed protein, so this seemed like a good idea.

Tadashi smiled wanly at him and accepted them without a fuss, dropping onto the couch in their office. Fred and Wasabi had moved it into place after Honey and Gogo had acquired the couch as a place for the Hamadas to crash when they refused to go back to their room. Thank god it actually worked.

"Thanks, Fred," he said quietly. He peeled off the lid to his yogurt and did his best to look undeterred about the fact that he was probably going to be puking it up in about ten minutes.

"No problemo," Fred replied, squeezing his shoulder gently before retreating back to his station.

He was quickly swept back into research mode, making observations and comparisons with Honey, and trying to figure out a way how to effectively protect the jaegers with their research. He was still at work after all.

Sixteen minutes later however, he had to put it aside to run over and check on Tadashi who was heaving up his minimal lunch like it had tried to poison him.

It was hardly an uncommon occurrence, but Tadashi bursting into tears was a different matter.

"Whoa there, hey, hey, it's okay," he tried to soothe, pulling the other away from the trash can and into a hug.

Tadashi was having none of it. "It's not okay," he sobbed into Fred's shoulder. "I should be able to- to keep something as simple as a protein shake down, but I just _can't_. No matter what I try, it always comes right back up. And it's so unfair 'cause you guys are trying so hard to make it work, but I just keep screwing everything up- I can't do anything right.

"And every time I think that maybe I'll be okay, I just remember what ha-happened and I just feel so _sick_ with myself because- because how can I be okay or happy or anything when my negligence got people _killed_? And then it all just comes out because I feel so disgusted with myself!" he bawled.

Fred shushed him and held him tighter, trying to relieve the tremors racking his friend's body.

"Listen," he said, pushing him back just enough to look him in the eye. "I need you to take deep breaths okay? Can you do that?"

He waited for Tadashi to give him a weak nod and take a few shaky breaths before continuing. "This is not your fault. You can't help what's happening to you right now, and no one is going to blame you for it. We're your friends, Tadashi- we just want you to get better. That doesn't have to happen right away. No matter what happens, we'll be here for you."

He shot a look over his shoulder at Honey, silently asking to let him take Tadashi back to his bunk. She nodded with a look of understanding, urging him with a shooing motion of her hands.

"Come on; let's get you back to your room. You'll feel better if you get some sleep," he told the jaeger pilot, pulling him to the door.

Tadashi sniffled but followed his lead, clinging to his side like his life depended on it.

Fred gave one last look at Honey, mouthing "thank you" at her before stepping out of their office.

The walk to Tadashi's room was mercifully devoid of prying eyes, but that didn't keep Fred from getting out of the hallway as fast as possible. He didn't want to push his luck.

Tadashi's tears hadn't stopped, but at least the shaking had dwindled.

Fred pushed him gently onto the bed and ducked down to pull off his shoes for him before tucking him in securely. It made Tadashi feel rather like a child again, but he wasn't complaining. It was kind of nice to be looked after. He hadn't had anyone do that for him in a long time.

He almost startled when Fred reached down to brush the tears off his cheeks.

"You going to be okay buddy?" he asked. There was so much concern and tenderness in his eyes that it made Tadashi want to burst into more tears. Which was ridiculous, but he wasn't exactly behaving the most rationally at the moment.

He nodded weakly in response, not trusting his voice. Fred was not convinced though.

"Remember what I told you before? About how I wanted you to tell me if something was wrong? Now is one of those moments. Don't tell me okay if you don't think you are," he pleaded.

Tadashi dropped his eyes and squirmed a little under the blankets. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to voice any of it. He just didn't know how to get the words out. He wasn't ready yet. But when he looked back at Fred he hoped that maybe someday he would be.

"Stay?" he asked quietly.

He knew it was selfish to ask- Fred was in the middle of work when Tadashi broke down earlier. He probably had to get back to it. But Tadashi didn't want to be alone. And it was easy being with Fred. He needed that easy feeling now more than ever.

Fortunately, Fred didn't tell him to get over himself. Instead he smiled and told him that he could do that with no problem, taking one of Tadashi's hands in his and holding it until the pilot eventually fell asleep.

He was gone when Tadashi woke, but that was alright. For the first time in a long time, he didn't have any nightmares. Instead he dreamed of something happy- he couldn't remember what it was, but he did remember the feel of a warm hand in his and a feeling of contentment that lingered even after his eyes opened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor children. someday you'll be happy again. you know, like a while from now haha. 
> 
> Sorry it took so long, I didn't feel like writing for a while, and now that classes have started my life is kinda a shit show. I'm taking 19 credits this semester and I deeply regret it. There's so much writing involved, but not the fun kind.


	10. Not So Platonic Looks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whAt is fUcKiNG uP y'aLL?!

There was a very tentative _something_ growing between Tadashi and Fred as the weeks passed.

The two of them would of course deny anything happening between them, but if you asked anyone else they would tell you there was a betting pool going about when the pair would get their heads out of their asses and actually start dating. Practically the whole base was in on it.

It was impossible not to see the sparks flying between them- unless your name was Tadashi Hamada or Fred Whitaker.

"Hiro, for the last time, Fred and I are not dating," Tadashi sighed. He had an overwhelming urge to bang his head on the wall he was leaning against but resisted with great effort.

His little brother leaned uncomfortably close to his face and smirked. "That's the biggest load of bullshit you've ever told me. I mean come on, you guys cuddle, you eat all your meals together, sometimes you take naps with each other...."

"I do all those things with you too, you know," he huffed.

"Yeah, but I'm your brother. And I only let you do most of those things because I'm obligated to as your sibling. Fred is not your brother, and therefore it's not the same."

Tadashi pushed his face away and pouted. "Well, maybe Fred and I are just growing brotherly affection for each other," he said.

Hiro snorted. "There's nothing brotherly about the way you look at him."

Tadashi punched him in the arm for that.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he sniffed disdainfully as Hiro rubbed the sore spot on his arm and scowled.

"I'm talking about how you look at him like you want to spend the rest of your life nestled in his arms and trading slow kisses," Hiro said.

"Wha- I do not! Take that back! I don't look at him like that!" he sputtered, waving his arms frantically in the air as though he had no idea what to do with them. There was a fierce blush growing exponentially on his face.

Hiro merely rolled his eyes at his brother's antics. "Oh, I'm sorry. Were we talking about the other one then? The one where you look like you're ready for him to fuck-" _you within an inch of your life_ , is what he was going to say, but Tadashi slapped a hand over his mouth before he could finish.

" _Oh my god, please stop talking_!" he hissed, throwing a mortified look around to see if anyone had heard what Hiro had said. It was a bit unnecessary, given that they were alone in Tadashi's room.

Hiro, being the mature adult that he was, decided that the best way to get his older brother's hand off his mouth was to lick it. Tadashi screeched and immediately released his hold on him to stare at his hand in horror and then wipe it on Hiro's shirt in revenge.

"Aww, don't be like that," Hiro tutted. "Come on, I know you like him. I don't see why you pretend like you don't when it's so obvious."

"You're delusional. Fred and I are just friends, and that's the way it's always going to be," he replied, pushing the younger man out of the room and ignoring his peals of laughter. Thank god they got separate rooms when Tadashi returned to the jaeger program.

Hiro was being ridiculous.

Fred was just his friend.

And he did not look at him any way other than "brotherly".

* * *

Okay, maybe he was having a little trouble looking at Fred in a brotherly fashion.

It was not his fault though! He wanted to be clear on that. It was definitely not his fault. No one could look at Fred right now and not be distracted by how attractive he looked. _Nobody_.

Tadashi was trying extremely hard not to be distracted by the way Fred's tank top clung to him, or the way his muscles moved under his skin whenever he lifted something heavy to hand it to Gogo, or the mixture of grease and sweat that made his skin glisten under the lights.

He wasn't doing very well.

A flash to his right broke him out of his stupor, and he turned to see Hiro grinning ear to ear as he examined his phone.

"What are you doing?" Tadashi asked suspiciously. That smile never meant anything good on Hiro.

His little brother flipped his phone around to show him the picture he'd taken. "See that? Photographic proof that you like him," he said.

Tadashi flushed- he did look kind of lovesick in that picture. "Wh- I do not! And that proves nothing!" He proceeded to busy himself by pretending to organize the tools on the table beside him. He separated a pile of nails a little more from a pile of screws, and stuck a pile of rags between the two to keep them apart. Gogo wouldn't actually care if the two piles were mixed together, but he needed something to distract him. Something that wasn't, you know, blonde and wearing a tank top.

Hiro gave him an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? If you looked at me like that I'd send you to a therapist because that is definitely not brotherly affection you're exuding-"

"Can you please not do this right now?" Tadashi groaned. Oh god, why did the universe have to punish him like this?

"I'm just saying! I mean come on, just because you don't want to admit that you want him to raw you real good-"

Tadashi made an inhuman screeching sound as he shoved a clean rag into Hiro's mouth to shut him up.

Fred and Gogo both stopped what they were doing to stare at the pair. Gogo gave an appraising once over before deciding that she didn't need to know and went back to fixing the jaeger. Fred on the other hand, decided it was high time to take a break and went over to see what was going on.

"You two doing alright over here?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow at Hiro as he spat out the rag and gagged.

"Everything's fine!" Tadashi squeaked out. Fred found it rather hard to believe him when he was blushing brighter than Rudolph's nose on a foggy Christmas Eve, but he didn't press it. Besides, Tadashi was cute when he blushed and shuffled around like that.

"Well," he said, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving. Looks like Gogo has everything handled here, so I say we get some grub." He wiped his hands off on another unused rag and flung his arms around his friends, dragging them along to his lab.

He didn't want to take them to the cafeteria because frankly there were still people bitter about what happened with Amaterasu Bold despite the fact that it had been months ago. Honey and Fred had taken to storing food in the fridge in their office for the Hamadas- you know, instead of random kaiju parts they were too lazy to put in their official cooling rooms.

Hiro and Tadashi were getting a little better, but they still couldn't be trusted to eat on their own. Mostly because their idea of eating on their own involved not actually eating anything.

They chattered happily on the way to the lab, odd incident a few minutes ago disappearing from their minds.

Well, until they reached the lab that is.

Fred peeled away from the other two to check out what was in the fridge, and almost missed what Hiro leaned in to whisper to his brother.

"I was kidding before. We all know you're a responsible kid that practices safe sex and wouldn't have someone raw you." There was a whacking sound that Fred suspected was Tadashi smacking his brother.

Fred stifled his laughter and called over his shoulder, "Is this what you guys were talking about back in the hangar?"

Their embarrassed sputtering was all the answer he needed.

He turned back to the fridge to inspect what was inside, but he didn't get very far before Honey's cheerful voice interrupted him.

"Hi guys! Wasabi and I got takeout for dinner! I'm assuming you haven't eaten yet?" she said, looking pointedly at Fred as he stood in front of the open fridge.

He shrugged and gave her a lopsided smile. "You caught me. I was working with Gogo on sprucing up Crimson Havoc until these two knuckleheads showed up. They were having a fun conversation from what I heard," he said, giving the Hamadas a shit eating grin.

Honey and Wasabi shared a questioning look at the brothers who broke out into an intense coughing fit to avoid answering.

"...okay. Well, we got plenty of food, so somebody should probably get Gogo so she can join us," Wasabi said sensibly.

"I'll do it!" Hiro shouted before bolting out the door.

Tadashi cleared his throat and tried not to focus on how hot his face felt. "So what did you guys get?" he asked, trying to get rid of the awkward tension in the air. He dearly hoped his friends would just drop it. He would never be ready to talk about... _that_.

Luckily for him, Honey perked right up and saved him from his embarrassment. "We went to that Japanese place that just opened up! Your aunt told me the food was great when she went to test it out, so I figured we should all try it too!"

She and Wasabi started setting down bags while he and Fred cleared some space for them.

When Hiro returned with Gogo in tow the group divvied up the containers and settled in. Honey and Gogo were sitting on a yellow loveseat that had been found on craigslist, Wasabi sat on the only chair in the lab that wasn't covered in drying kaiju goo from an unfortunate mishap earlier that afternoon, and Fred was squished into the remaining blue loveseat with the Hamadas. And when he said squished, he meant squished.

Hiro, being the little shit that he was, was sprawled out like it wasn't already tight enough having three grown men on a couch meant for two people. Tadashi tried in vain to get him to make more room, but to no avail.

"If you don't like it then sit somewhere else," Hiro snorts as he fends off Tadashi's prying hands.

"I can't! I don't want to sit on the concrete floor, and the chairs are all covered in kaiju guts!"

"Yeah...sorry about that," Fred chuckled, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. He was going to clean it up earlier, but then he got distracted when Gogo came along, and after that he sort of just forgot. He would definitely do it before the end of the night though. It was a miracle the stuff hadn't dried yet, but he wasn't taking any more chances. If it dried on there it would probably be impossible to get off.

"Sit on Fred's lap then or something- just stop pushing me!" Hiro said, shoving his brother in the blonde’s direction.

Now, Fred was a genetically enhanced creature that had been grown in a lab to be a deadly killing machine, so that meant he was pretty hard to kill. Unfortunately, when the precursors had designed him they were thinking more along the line of sharp things digging into his scales and not about how easily he could choke on a mouthful of goddamn noodles.

Maybe the next time one of his siblings showed up they could just shove truckloads of Japanese takeout into their mouth and pray the kaiju would suffocate on it.

He wheezed, grabbing the glass of water that was suddenly in front of him and taking a large gulp from it.

He'd been so caught up in his inability to breathe that he hadn't realized that the Hamadas had kept on bickering until Tadashi's voice snapped him back into the conversation.

"Fine! I bet it's comfier than having your knobby knees jamming into my legs anyways!"

Fred would have asked what they were talking about, but he suddenly found himself with a lapful of Tadashi and well.... He sort of lost the ability to speak after that.

He pointedly ignored the smug looks on his friends' faces and tried to act like he wasn't having a heart attack.

Tadashi leaned back into Fred's chest and gave Hiro the most annoyed scowl he could muster. It mainly just looked like a pout.

Hiro stuck his tongue out and spread out further on the loveseat.

If Fred were in his right mind he would have glared at the little bastard, but he was not in his right mind, so he didn't do that. Instead he realized that, without his knowledge, one of his hands had crept up to Tadashi's hip and was rubbing it soothingly. The other one was miraculously still holding his glass of water, so he took another sizable swig out of it.

And if he spent the rest of the meal being quieter than usual, nobody commented on it.

Although some of them definitely took some pictures for blackmail.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's finally fucking back WOOT WOOT  
> Sorry it took so long lol  
> I had to torture them both a little with feelings cuz like...that's the fun part lmao. I always enjoy giving Fred aneurysms by making Tadashi sit in his lap. I also really enjoy HIro shamelessly teasing his brother about his love life. These dumb fucks will get together eventually, mark my words.   
> Thanks to anyone who's still reading, you peeps are the best, and I will treasure you forever


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